10 Apocalyptic Insurance Policies (inspired By Hollywood)


If Hollywood is any kind of accurate predictor of the future “ and I think we all know that it is “ then the century ahead of us will be beset by extreme hardship, unforeseen peril and apocalyptic danger. And maybe some hover cars.

Therefore, as the current glut of apocalyptic and dystopian movies prepares us psychologically, Know Your Money thought it would be a fitting time to take heed of cinema's prophetic teachings and suggest some niche insurance products to help you offset the financial impact of the impending doom.

Alien Insurance

The prevalence of UFO stories disseminated by Mulder & Scully et al during the late 20th century lead to opportunistic US insurers selling alien abduction insurance policies to the public. According to Wikipedia, such providers have actually paid out to successful claimants, although the source's vague assertions waft of ET's excrement.

Anyhow, Hollywood's output of late, disregarding the awful The Fourth Kind, suggests that the little green men have lost interest in their dubious probing programme and have shifted focus towards the eradication of our species.

Accordingly, The Invasion and War of the Worlds show savvy consumers the importance of getting covered against the significant financial repercussions of having possessions and loved ones assimilated and death-rayed, respectively; while farmers should bear Signs's lessons in mind and acquire some protection against the little green bastards dicking around with their crops. Once the alien invaders are repelled in a last ditch effort you'll be thankful for some financial aid as you rebuild your shattered lives.

Fictitious Critical Illness Cover

While SARS, Ebola, Necrotizing Fasciitis, H5N1, MRSA and Swine Flu can be dismissed as products of manipulative media scare-mongering, Rage, the Reaper Virus, Krippen Virus and the T-Virus are clearly threats of a much more significant and tangible nature.

Therefore, when purchasing a Critical Illness Insurance make sure that the policy covers the huge range of fictional conditions likely to cause a global epidemic in the near future. Cover for lab-created pathogens and anything spread by monkeys is essential and you should also consider protection against unexplained outbreaks of blindness and infertility.

Monster Insurance

As the citizens of Japan have known for many decades, monsters are a serious threat. Depending on size, type and disposition, even a single monster can have a catastrophic impact on urban infrastructure resulting in financial hardship for local citizens and businesses.

As well as ensuring that your home and possessions are adequately covered against the monster threat “ especially if you live in a large, cinematic city “ there are other factors to consider. Cloverfield, for example, demonstrates that specialist monster cover for social events can be a prudent investment; while various movies from Tremors to The Mist urge retailers to protect their businesses against the financial repercussions of a prolonged monster siege, which commonly result in the disruption of trade and the mass appropriation of stock by the besieged.

Robot Insurance

Robots, Hollywood teaches us, are lawsuits waiting to happen. They will inevitably malfunction and/or become sentient and consequently turn on their creators with a mechanical indifference to the human principles of sanctity of life and rights of ownership.

What's more, as Hollywood soothsayer Michael Bay taught the world (twice), most robot attacks are so disorienting, loud, implausible and mind-numbingly crap that they are difficult to predict.

Businesses conducting research and development for the military technology market should take a note from Robocop's Omni Consumer Products and ensure that their third party liability insurance can handle a few accidental employee deaths; similarly, larger operators should follow the lead of The Terminator's Skynet, ensuring that their corporate limited liability status will get them off the hook should any of their products attempt to eradicate the human race.

Biblical Apocalypse Insurance

Not being a religious person, and since Hollywood has been suspiciously quiet on the subject, I'm not entirely sure how the battle of Armageddon, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse and the End Times all fit together.

The recently released Legion, however, has put an end to Hollywood's silence on the matter, and confirms the fears of nutters around the globe: the big Charlton Heston lookalike in the sky is putting a stop to all this worldly stuff sometime soon. Although, judging by the trailer, it unlikely to clear up any theological issues.

So, before you hear the portentous clip-clop of the Four Horsemen riding into town, it might be a good idea to get yourself some Biblical Apocalypse Insurance.

When comparing policies, make sure they provide decent cover for loss of life/property/soul etc, and, crucially, check the small print to make sure that you're not being conned into buying a policy containing an Acts of God clause.

Nuclear Holocaust Insurance

Ah yes “ nuclear holocaust, the secular apocalypse du jour and cinematic staple ever since megalomaniacal nations began hoarding WMDs and adopting the wonderfully comforting strategy of mutually assured destruction.

We recommend Nuclear Holocaust Insurance to everyone, for when it happens, for whatever reason, you will either end up as a shadow on the ground or eking out a miserable existence in an uphill struggle for survival in a barren nuclear winter landscape that will almost certainly be primarily populated by mutants and/or cannibals.

Just think how much more cheerful The Road would be if Viggo Mortensen and his kid had a nice big cash payout to fall back on. They'd be set for kindling and toilet paper for the rest of their wretched lives. That's the kind of peace of mind that only a quality insurance policy can offer.

Reality Insurance

If you are generally happy with your reality then you may want to protect yourself should it turn out to be false. A substantial payout would have certainly helped Neo adjust to his new reality of increasingly inferior sequels, and it would have made Truman Burbank decision a lot easier too.

However, if you follow the logic, then buying a Reality Insurance policy in a false reality is pointless, since if your reality turns out to be false then that would mean that any policy bought within it would not be real either.

Damned insurance salesmen, first it was PPIs and now this¦